


Lie-In

by Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-08
Updated: 2014-01-08
Packaged: 2018-01-07 23:10:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1125498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw/pseuds/Turn_of_the_Sonic_Screw
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack Harkness is up to his balls in trouble. In Victorian London, this time. Jenny and Vastra ride to the rescue.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lie-In

**Author's Note:**

> Not really episode specific. Deals with potentially shocking things like rape culture, repressive Victorian morality, and Jack Harkness in a manner at times light-hearted and at times serious. As always, make sure your partners give enthusiastic consent, be they male, female, or non-gender-specific shape-shifting aliens posing as inanimate objects. Accept no substitutes or excuses.

“When the Doctor said 'bail out an old friend in trouble,'” Vastra began, “This was not what I had in mind.” Her hands clenched irritably around the grips of her katanas. She and Jenny had prepared for a fight, not this...embarrassment.

“I promise it isn't as bad as it looks!” Jack swore. “To be fair,” he acknowledged, “it does look pretty bad.”

“You are...FORNICATING...with...my...SOFA!” Lord Pettigrew bellowed. 

“It isn't actually a sofa.”

“More of a loveseat at this point, eh, ma'am?”

“Jenny!” Vastra turned a deep green and would never admit that she wished she had thought of the bon mot first.

“It's a shapeshifting alien,” Jack continued. “and somewhat telepathic. I was just taking a nap, and it must have noticed some of my dreams, and one thing led to another.”

“Have you no standards of decency, sir? And I use that term advisedly. To come into a gentleman's home as his guest, and then to demonstrate such aberrant urges defies all decorum.”

“As a matter of fact, I do have standards. Admittedly, those standards are 'has legs and says yes'...”

“If I may, Lord Pettigrew, it would appear that Captain Harkness is not in his right mind at the moment. I believe it may be a symptom of his military service; after so long away from the fairer sex, the temptation to relieve one's...primal urges...”

“Yes, yes...of course. Madame Vastra, your deductive powers are keen as ever.”

“It's just as well you're here, sir,” Jenny added, “to protect the likes of us from this maniac.” She barely managed to say this with a straight face.

“Indeed!” Lord Pettigrew swelled up with pride. “I shall write a letter to every newspaper and magazine in the city recommending that the limbs of furniture be veiled, lest our noble boys be tempted into such depravity. As for the good captain, perhaps he should simply sleep off his...excitement. Elsewhere.”

“Excellent idea, m'lord,” Jack replied, springing to attention as he realized that they had collectively talked him out of prison. “Later,” he whispered to the not-sofa.

Vastra sighed once they were out of earshot of Lord Pettigrew. “I am afraid we have just set back the cause of women's liberation by a century.”

“Nah; take it from a time-traveler: victim-blaming is one of the oldest and most reprehensible tricks in the book.” Jack flashed his irrepressible grin. “I've never seen it work with a sofa; though, to be fair, she was actually asking for it.”


End file.
